Wow! I got accepted into the Nekoweb Zine! I'm so proud of myself for stepping outside of my comfort zone and applying.
I really was unsure if my art would stand out from however many applicants there would be. A lot of the work in my portfolio is from a couple years back as I haven't had as much inspiration/ time/energy to create as much lately. I was incredibly anxious, both in the nervous way and the excited way. It feels really great to tell myself "See? This is why we do things even when it's scary."
There are so many amazing and talented creators working on this thing and I can't wait for it to be out in the world. I'm so very proud to be a part of it already.
"Monthly update sorta thing" LOL. Totally skipped a March Update!
March was a bit hectic, to say the least. Not necessarily bad, but definitely just, a lot. Celebrated my birthday, had a bunch of car issues come up that needed fixed (thank goodness for payment plans!! quq), and rediscovered my love for physical media!
My birthday was very chill! I'm not one to do much for my birthday, I prefer relaxing and just getting a small cake and maybe order something for myself I've been holding off on getting. As for the car, we were planning to get work done on it later this year, but it ended up needing to be done sooner than expected. Got it all figured out and happy to not stress so bad about it anymore at least, whew!
As for the physical media, I've always prefered physical media over digital content for as long as I can remember. Whether it be DVD'S, CD'S, cassette tapes, vinyl records, and even books. I've got a small shelf that is absolutely filled with various types of things that I cherish, and it makes me smile every time I pass by. I'm not exactly sure what made me drift away from these things that I cherish so deeply, perhaps just, the state of the world lately? I decided to sit down and pull out a few of my favorite zines, and it reminded me just how beautiful it is to sit down and create, so make something and put it out for anybody to see. You'll never really know who all is gonna see your creations, and how it will impact them. Holding these zines, a lot of which are incredibly personal to the artists, made me feel so connected.
Of course I don't personally know these artists, and they don't know me, but being able to hold something that a real person out there created, dedicated their time to, and now I get to experience in the comfort of my home, is just absolutely incredible to me. Art is something that nobody can take away from us. Art is everlasting, eternal.
It can feel so scary to share what you create, but dammit, DO IT SCARED! The time will pass anyways. It doesn't have to be anything complex, or perfect. Just create!
So I guess this is turning into a monthly update sorta thing? Feels right. Better than nothing I think! :3
I've been working on slowly but surely opening myself back up to social spaces, both online and irl. It's been so good for me, albeit a bit difficult. After abruptly, without warning, losing touch with a close friend of mine, I've been so scared to open myself back up to something like that. It was such a painful and confusing thing that even 2 years later, I still struggle with it. I dream of them from time to time, hoping for things to be OK again. It's probably better it be left alone at this point, though. As much as that sucks to say. Idk. As much as I want to go out and be close with friends again, I just can't help but be a bit nervous about the endeavor. Honestly though, I struggle with maintaining friendships in general anyways. It's hard to find the energy to go out and do things, even if I really want to. However, I AM working on it, and have already gone out and met up with friends over dinner recently, and it was so so lovely. I look forward to future opportunities to get back into the social-sphere!!
Happy New Years dear reader. I hope the last month has been a good one for you. It certainly flew by for me! Got to have a lovely birthday celebration for my darling, and enjoy Christmas together, with our first tree. :~) This was also the first year I've really been able to afford some decent gifts for my loved ones too! Proud of myself for getting the hang of handling money. My impulsivity is so hard to manage at times, but I give myself the space to know I can't always be perfect, as much as I wish I was sometimes.
Sometimes I worry that my entries here are boring to read, then I remember that its MY website and I can write whatever I want to, and that helps from time to time. I'd love to write more, though. More on specific topics or even just rambling about the latest game or OC I've got on my brain. I'm hoping to find the time to work more on this site this year. I want to refine the look, add more personal touches, and just anything, really. I DEFINITELY will have a dedicated section to share my art at some point. That will be awesome.
Finally saw a doctor after my anxiety made it near impossible to do so after 6 years. After making it through the appointment, being told my heart sounds good and my blood pressure is great, the weight of that fear finally being lifted off my shoulders, the sky looked immensely beautiful. Got an echo scheduled soon which will be the true tell of how my heart is doing, but I am not afraid anymore. For the longest time I was very passive about my health and quite honestly, didn't care what could happen to me. I think that's just how it was for me as an anxious and depressed kid. Its odd, but freeing, to finally be in a place where I actively want to take care of myself. My beautiful partner has helped me immensely in this journey of self-love and Im incredibly grateful for her and her unending support.
Yes, I AM worth caring for. Yes, I AM worthy of love. So are you. Always. ♡
Hi hello, I have many thoughts about the queer experience and Im posting my ramble here! I encourage those who don't identify as queer themselves to still give this a read. 🫶
Queer love, even in a communal sense, is so sacred and immense. It's hard to describe, but it's just so unique. I love being able to be seen for how I truly am and to be able to tell others "I see you". I feel so incredibly lucky to have been a part of so many queer folks' journeys throughout the years. It's such a high honor to watch people find themselves and flourish. That is not an easy thing to do. It's scary to look deep within yourself and question things you may never really think about. It is so ingrained in people's heads that things are the way they are "just because". Once you start thinking, "Why?" or, "What if I'm different than what I've thought I've always been/what I'm expected to be?", it can feel so very isolating. Not everyone will consider these sorts of feelings, but if you do, it can be so easy to try to turn yourself away from the thoughts and push them aside.
In my experience, as hard as you push them away, they will be persistent; like an itch you can't scratch, a piece of food that gets stuck in your teeth that you can't quite seem to get out. Personal circumstances will also influence whether someone can safely delve into these sorts of thoughts/ideas/actions, and I encourage you to be mindful of that. Not everyone is in a position to be true to who they are.
Read that again.NOT EVERYONE IS IN A POSITION TO BE TRUE TO WHO THEY ARE.
Queer folks have been fighting, and continue to fight, to be seen, to be heard, to be understood. For many years. This is not new. This is not a fad, not a "tiktok trend". These are real people, who just want to be themselves. Nobody should have to fight to simply thrive and survive, but we do. I will continue to advocate for my fellow queer folks and I hope those of you who aren't already, will consider doing the same.
Be vocal in your support and shut down any harmful rhetoric.
Many things have happened since my last update. I've taken the time off the internet to take care of myself, as the online space after the US election was an easy way to get stuck in a doomer mindset. I'm unsure how things are going to be, but I'm doing my best to stay positive, and focus on the things I can control. I'm very fortunate to live in a nice neighborhood with my darling and that we have a viable exit plan if shit hits the fan. Hopefully it wont come to that, though.
Luckily, I requested a week off from work and have been able to enjoy the time home with my darling and re-center back onto my creative endeavors, not feeling so stuck in the capitalistic loop of workhell. It's been much needed, and I'm so grateful! I hope this will help my mindset once I do get back to work also, since I was definitely getting a bit burned out.
That being said, if anyone would like someone to chat with, as I know this isnt easy for a lot of folks, my inbox is open! email me at: [email protected] .
Please keep in mind that I am an adult with a full-time job so I may not be able to respond quickly, but I will do my best.
