HEY! Yes..........I'm still here! I had this whole plan of doing a site revamp (completely remaking this site) but alas, I didn't have the energy like I thought I did. Oh well! So what have I been to? Honestly, most of my time has been spent trying to find and understand myself more. Getting acclimated to being medicated is awesome, but comes with it's own set of unique challnges. Now that my mind isn't a constantly racing thing, I can focus, be less impulsive, and really soak in everything around me. It's honestly quite jarring!
I've been sleeping a lot more. Unsure exactly why, but I have theories. Is it my body recharging from the constant drain my adhd had on me? Is it the fact that the weather has been all over the place? Is it because I've been having to work so late? It could be many things, but I hope to fix my sleep schedule soon. Sleep is important yes, but I despise waking up at 2pm. It feels like my day is basically over at that point!
Finally getting over my fear of decorating our space (having to move and pack twice in the same year really puts a damper on the vibes), and I've been purchasing some lovely decor for our home. It's been wonderful to make this house really feel more like ours. Excited to do more in the future. I;ll have to post pics of some of our decor at some point!
Also! Got my wife a camera to celebrate our 6 year anniversary! Its a EOS R50 mirrorless camera She's been wanting to get into photography for a few years now, so it felt really awesome to be able to save up and get her something nice that should last her a while!! If she's okay with it, I may ask her if I could post some of her pictures here! Nurturing her creative side has been amazing to see. I love her so damn much.
WOOF. HI!!! Finally at a place where I can come back to this site. I'm so stoked to be back. The holiday season is always SO much. Everyone gets so stressed and it's always so busy everywhere!! Not to mention the plethora of ads....buhhh...
ANYWAY!! I've been medicated for my ADHD for a few weeks now, and I can definitely tell a difference. I can actually...DO things! and not get stuck with decision paralysis!!! It's fucking incredible! I can actually sit down and focus on partaking in my hobbies, which is why I'm actually able to get back to coding and being active within the nekoweb community again. It's been so amazing to feel like a person again and not just a working machine. Seriously. I am sooooo happy!! RAHHH!!!!!!!
Have ya'll checked out WebTiles yet? I've been really enjoying seeing tiles evolve, people collaborating with their neighbors to make something so unique. It's been great to see people come together. Going to keep brainstorming ideas for my tile....if ya'll have any ideas feel free to leave me a message in my guestbook!
I think that's it for now! I'm just now realizing I still havent compiled an entry for my Nekozine piece yet............OOPS!! Need to upload it to my gallery too........
Officially diagnosed with ADHD a few days ago. It feels so good to have this struggle I've been dealing with for so long put into words that make sense and realized. Thank you to my pals who have been so open about their own experiences, ADHD or otherwise. Talking about the struggles we face in our day-to-day is so important to normalize and make seeking help that much less scary. Community is so incredibly important in every aspect of life, but especially mental health. I am incredibly grateful to be able to start taking medication to help tackle my ADHD and make it more manageable. So very proud of myself for doing the hard thing, and seeking help, after putting it off for so very long. My wife has been a huge catalyst in making this scary hard thing seem much more doable, despite the fear. This year has been a difficult one, and yet she continues to push forward, and I'm so so lucky to be alongside her.
Hello hello! It's been a while, huh? A lot happened in November and of course with holiday season, this month has also been kinda hectic. It was my partner's birthday last week, and it was so great! She's been wishing for snow on her birthday for literally as long as she can remember, and it FINALLY happened!! We got a whole 15 inches of snow LMAO. All those years of wishing came true at once. Seeing her so incredibly excited was so spectacular. I'm so glad it finally happened. Soon I'll be typing up an entry regarding my Nekozine entry, I'm looking forward to breaking down the thoughts and process behind the piece. Have a happy holiday yall!
Hello everyone! How are things? :) I personally have been working hard on taking better care of myself. I started therapy earlier this month, and it's been really swell. My therapist have been really lovely and I'm looking forward to working with them more. Also, HRT has been nice too! No super dramatic changes or anything, but my partner has been telling me that she sees a mustache may soon be forming hehehehehe!!
I do miss working on this website. I've been a bit burnt out of creative anything for a minute now to be honest. Trying to remind myself that it's a natural process to have these ups and downs with creativity, and it's good to take breaks sometimes. I do hope I'll have the energy to do more creatively soon, whether through this website or something else.
Lastly, going to be taking a week away from work and going on a roadtrip in 2 weeks! I won't be disclosing details to strangers on the internet, for peace of mind, but I'll try to remember to take pictures and share some upon my return. Incredibly excited to spend this time away. I think it will be a great recharging period!!
Hihiii! It's been 1 month since I started taking T! The biggest change that I've noticed is.......drumroll... ACNE. Holy smokes. I dealt with acne previously in specific spots, but only on occasion, now it's everyday. Go to sleep with a clear face, then wake up with the most random assortment of acne just about everywhere. It's really annoying, but also exciting in a way! Changes are happening! Woohoo! I do hope that it lessens as time continues though lol.
I'll be sure to update more in the future!! :-)
Hello nekowebbers and beyond! Been a minute, huh? A lot has been going on. Behind the scenes I've been very focued on the day-to-day life beyond the web. A ton of long work days, some self-care in the form of scheduling doctors appointments that I've been putting off, as well as supporting my wife in her day-to-day (as always! :D). One of the appointments that I've been really nervous about making is the one where I consult with someone so I can start taking TESTOSTERONE!! Holy smokes. I've literally been putting this off for like, a year at this point. Mostly just due to my own uncertainty, not feeling "trans" enough to take T, stuff like that. I'm still incredibly nervous but also incredibly excited to finally get this going. Something that's been helping me is reminding myself that if I do end up not liking it for some reason, I can just...stop...taking it! Though of course not all the changes that can occur are reversible, and I understand that. I feel like as soon as I actually start taking it, it will feel like "Dang, I should've started this sooner!". I may start a seperate journal to document my T journey, hmm...
What else....OH! Finally reached my savings goal for my partner and I's trip we'll be taking later this year. Incredibly excited to have this goal that's been looming over me finally achieved!! Seriously helps make me feel so much more excited to go and do this. I think I've talked about this before, but managing money has been a difficult skill for me to learn, so I'm incredibly proud of myself for doing this. I'm grateful to have a job that pays well enough that I can still manage to put aside money to save every month, I know that unfortunately isn't the case for everyone.
Lastly, I've recently gotten back into making friendship bracelets! Back when I was a wee theater kid at theater camp, the older girls would show us younger kids how to make these bracelets with string. It was so fun and kinda therapeutic. I have really tiny wrists so it can be difficult to find accesories that fit me! I realized, wait, I can make my own cool things!! It's been really fun to get back into it. I made a bracelet for my partner as a refresher, and it looks so nice! Simple, but good. I'll be sure to share pics as I make some more. :)
Dang, almost to August without a new blog post. Oops! Truth be told, I was very focused with Art Fight for the first couple weeks of July. Otherwise I've been busy with work for the most part. We DID finally get a couch for our living room. I am BEYOND excited to have a space to relax on besides the bed. Thank you to my lovely wife for getting it into the house. She is seriously the best!! Perhaps I'll have more to talk about next month. Perhaps not. We shall see!
Finally finished my zine piece last night. Soooo thankful they put an extension for the deadline. I'm super happy and proud with how it turned out, and I can't wait for the project to be released! This was a fun challenge, I haven't made a full piece start to finish like this in quite some time. It feels great to know I'm still capable of doing it. Now that it's finally finished, I can work on other things, and focus more on chilling out and relaxing. I've got a couple of games I'm looking forward to playing, and I'm hoping to get some work done on my own personal zine ideas I have.
It's easy to get stuck in the motions of day-to-day routines. It can be so hard to make yourself find the time/energy to do more creative/hobby-focused endeavors. Please please try to break free of the motions from time to time. Even if it's just spending 20 minutes doing something you enjoy. In my experience, it will seriously help get out of brain fog/monotony/complacency.
It's May! Honestly I haven't been doing anything too interesting lately. Been so focused on work and haven't had the energy for much else. Finally got some inspiration/motivation to work more on my Nekozine piece, and I'm hoping to finish it by next week sometime.
I was getting some really bad imposter syndrome regarding my zine entry and it was really hard to even look at the piece for a couple weeks. I'm not exactly sure what got my head out of that space, but I was finally able to tell myself. "Okay, something feels off? Then change it. Easy. Just play around. Nothing is set in stone until you're finished with it." I was stuck in the mindset that I couldn't change the format of how I had things even though I'm very much in the early stages of the piece.
I've never contributed to an online zine like this before, so the nerves were getting to me pretty bad. I have a habit of setting really high expectations upon my own shoulders, and if I don't meet these arbritary standards, then I'm a failure. It paralyzes me. I hope to lessen this habit as time goes on. For now, I recognize that this is a part of me, and I will work on being kinder to myself.
Be kind to yourself too, dear reader. We aren't perfect, and will mess up sometimes. Allow yourself the grace to recognize when things aren't working, and work towards a newer and better version of yourself. Be patient and persistent. Some things take time, and thats okay.
Wow! I got accepted into the Nekoweb Zine! I'm so proud of myself for stepping outside of my comfort zone and applying.
I really was unsure if my art would stand out from however many applicants there would be. A lot of the work in my portfolio is from a couple years back as I haven't had as much inspiration/ time/energy to create as much lately. I was incredibly anxious, both in the nervous way and the excited way. It feels really great to tell myself "See? This is why we do things even when it's scary."
There are so many amazing and talented creators working on this thing and I can't wait for it to be out in the world. I'm so very proud to be a part of it already.
"Monthly update sorta thing" LOL. Totally skipped a March Update!
March was a bit hectic, to say the least. Not necessarily bad, but definitely just, a lot. Celebrated my birthday, had a bunch of car issues come up that needed fixed (thank goodness for payment plans!! quq), and rediscovered my love for physical media!
My birthday was very chill! I'm not one to do much for my birthday, I prefer relaxing and just getting a small cake and maybe order something for myself I've been holding off on getting. As for the car, we were planning to get work done on it later this year, but it ended up needing to be done sooner than expected. Got it all figured out and happy to not stress so bad about it anymore at least, whew!
As for the physical media, I've always prefered physical media over digital content for as long as I can remember. Whether it be DVD'S, CD'S, cassette tapes, vinyl records, and even books. I've got a small shelf that is absolutely filled with various types of things that I cherish, and it makes me smile every time I pass by. I'm not exactly sure what made me drift away from these things that I cherish so deeply, perhaps just, the state of the world lately? I decided to sit down and pull out a few of my favorite zines, and it reminded me just how beautiful it is to sit down and create, so make something and put it out for anybody to see. You'll never really know who all is gonna see your creations, and how it will impact them. Holding these zines, a lot of which are incredibly personal to the artists, made me feel so connected.
Of course I don't personally know these artists, and they don't know me, but being able to hold something that a real person out there created, dedicated their time to, and now I get to experience in the comfort of my home, is just absolutely incredible to me. Art is something that nobody can take away from us. Art is everlasting, eternal.
It can feel so scary to share what you create, but dammit, DO IT SCARED! The time will pass anyways. It doesn't have to be anything complex, or perfect. Just create!
So I guess this is turning into a monthly update sorta thing? Feels right. Better than nothing I think! :3
I've been working on slowly but surely opening myself back up to social spaces, both online and irl. It's been so good for me, albeit a bit difficult. After abruptly, without warning, losing touch with a close friend of mine, I've been so scared to open myself back up to something like that. It was such a painful and confusing thing that even 2 years later, I still struggle with it. I dream of them from time to time, hoping for things to be OK again. It's probably better it be left alone at this point, though. As much as that sucks to say. Idk. As much as I want to go out and be close with friends again, I just can't help but be a bit nervous about the endeavor. Honestly though, I struggle with maintaining friendships in general anyways. It's hard to find the energy to go out and do things, even if I really want to. However, I AM working on it, and have already gone out and met up with friends over dinner recently, and it was so so lovely. I look forward to future opportunities to get back into the social-sphere!!
Happy New Years dear reader. I hope the last month has been a good one for you. It certainly flew by for me! Got to have a lovely birthday celebration for my darling, and enjoy Christmas together, with our first tree. :~) This was also the first year I've really been able to afford some decent gifts for my loved ones too! Proud of myself for getting the hang of handling money. My impulsivity is so hard to manage at times, but I give myself the space to know I can't always be perfect, as much as I wish I was sometimes.
Sometimes I worry that my entries here are boring to read, then I remember that its MY website and I can write whatever I want to, and that helps from time to time. I'd love to write more, though. More on specific topics or even just rambling about the latest game or OC I've got on my brain. I'm hoping to find the time to work more on this site this year. I want to refine the look, add more personal touches, and just anything, really. I DEFINITELY will have a dedicated section to share my art at some point. That will be awesome.
Finally saw a doctor after my anxiety made it near impossible to do so after 6 years. After making it through the appointment, being told my heart sounds good and my blood pressure is great, the weight of that fear finally being lifted off my shoulders, the sky looked immensely beautiful. Got an echo scheduled soon which will be the true tell of how my heart is doing, but I am not afraid anymore. For the longest time I was very passive about my health and quite honestly, didn't care what could happen to me. I think that's just how it was for me as an anxious and depressed kid. Its odd, but freeing, to finally be in a place where I actively want to take care of myself. My beautiful partner has helped me immensely in this journey of self-love and Im incredibly grateful for her and her unending support.
Yes, I AM worth caring for. Yes, I AM worthy of love. So are you. Always. ♡
Hi hello, I have many thoughts about the queer experience and Im posting my ramble here! I encourage those who don't identify as queer themselves to still give this a read. 🫶
Queer love, even in a communal sense, is so sacred and immense. It's hard to describe, but it's just so unique. I love being able to be seen for how I truly am and to be able to tell others "I see you". I feel so incredibly lucky to have been a part of so many queer folks' journeys throughout the years. It's such a high honor to watch people find themselves and flourish. That is not an easy thing to do. It's scary to look deep within yourself and question things you may never really think about. It is so ingrained in people's heads that things are the way they are "just because". Once you start thinking, "Why?" or, "What if I'm different than what I've thought I've always been/what I'm expected to be?", it can feel so very isolating. Not everyone will consider these sorts of feelings, but if you do, it can be so easy to try to turn yourself away from the thoughts and push them aside.
In my experience, as hard as you push them away, they will be persistent; like an itch you can't scratch, a piece of food that gets stuck in your teeth that you can't quite seem to get out. Personal circumstances will also influence whether someone can safely delve into these sorts of thoughts/ideas/actions, and I encourage you to be mindful of that. Not everyone is in a position to be true to who they are.
Read that again.NOT EVERYONE IS IN A POSITION TO BE TRUE TO WHO THEY ARE.
Queer folks have been fighting, and continue to fight, to be seen, to be heard, to be understood. For many years. This is not new. This is not a fad, not a "tiktok trend". These are real people, who just want to be themselves. Nobody should have to fight to simply thrive and survive, but we do. I will continue to advocate for my fellow queer folks and I hope those of you who aren't already, will consider doing the same.
Be vocal in your support and shut down any harmful rhetoric.
Many things have happened since my last update. I've taken the time off the internet to take care of myself, as the online space after the US election was an easy way to get stuck in a doomer mindset. I'm unsure how things are going to be, but I'm doing my best to stay positive, and focus on the things I can control. I'm very fortunate to live in a nice neighborhood with my darling and that we have a viable exit plan if shit hits the fan. Hopefully it wont come to that, though.
Luckily, I requested a week off from work and have been able to enjoy the time home with my darling and re-center back onto my creative endeavors, not feeling so stuck in the capitalistic loop of workhell. It's been much needed, and I'm so grateful! I hope this will help my mindset once I do get back to work also, since I was definitely getting a bit burned out.
That being said, if anyone would like someone to chat with, as I know this isnt easy for a lot of folks, my inbox is open! email me at: [email protected] .
Please keep in mind that I am an adult with a full-time job so I may not be able to respond quickly, but I will do my best.
